Distractions

None of it is real. My happiness is not real. It all been one big distraction from this realization. They were just temporary escapes. A good book. A good laugh. Good food with good company. I do all of these to escape my true thoughts and feelings. By the end of the day I’m still as empty as a shell.

I’m so very tired…

Scarcity complex?

I think about you so often now… why? Why now? I’ve gone so long without lingering my thoughts on you for too long. Everything was fine. Why is it that after I learned that you’ve moved on that I want to reach out to you? I find myself searching for your face whenever I am near or on campus, at a restaurant that we’ve been to, or at a grocery store buying produce. It’s gotten to the point where it’s almost distracting that I’d have my eyes more on the people on the side walk or people crossing the streets than the road in front of me. I find myself typing your name into the search bar every now and then, trying to pick up any information about you and your life without me. What is it like? Are you happy? Are you completely over me? If so, why haven’t you tried to stay friends with me? Maybe it’s because you’re over me that the idea of being friends doesn’t even matter anymore. I don’t get it… what’s wrong with me? I’ve reread our emails a handful of times now. I just reread our Dropbox notes, I’ve reread your log entries. Everything seemed so… bright despite our problems. Maybe that’s why I called it Entry Log of Happiness. Maybe you brushed it up to make it seem brighter than it originally was. Maybe it’s because I’m in a moment of weakness that the blog sounded so bright, that the time we’ve spent together sounded amazing.

I am so selfish. I want your attention when I know you’ve given it to someone else and I push you away when you wanted it most. 

What’s she like to you? Does she treat you well? Is she a far better girlfriend than I ever was? Does she listen to all your problems patiently? Something that I wasn’t able to do. Are you two happy? Is SHE happy? Are the both of you happy together? What do you do on your spare time now? I hear you got a job of Tesla, I’m so envious. I am also proud of you for finally leaving that hell hole that’s been a major dead weight on your life for so long. I was convinced that you’d never leave. I’m happy for you. I’m proud of you. Also jealous of you. Seems like everything is turning up meanwhile I’m struggling to find a safe haven from work, struggling to find a place I truly belong. I haven’t quite found it yet but.. maybe wish me luck? I want to find the confidence within me to be comfortable in my own skin, in my own body. I wish I was strong enough to be as open as you and to be able to put myself out there despite the fact that I might be judged. I am trying.. How are you..? 

Moment of weakness

Over taken by loneliness once again…
Why can’t I be okay with being single?

Someone I look up to

Jefferson is such a passionate guy. It’s the way his eyes light up when he talks. The way he talks about stuff that he’s done, the games that he’s played, the things that he’s learned, the movies that he’s seen. He always speaks with so much passion that I can’t help but be intrigued by him. Sometimes I like to watch him when he has that spark in his eyes talking about something that he’s fascinated about. He is definitely someone that’s well acquainted with what life has to offer. Don’t let that fire burn out! I’ve always really admired that about you.

First Day of Class at De Anza

Today was my first day of class at De Anza. As soon as I stepped out of my car I was quickly taken-a-back by the energy and liveliness. I guess I had forgotten what it was like to be amongst the hustle and bustle of students. People chattering and laughing, groups practicing their dance moves under the shade, individuals leisurely reading, others waiting at bus stops. The campus was definitely still very much alive even at 6:30pm. Maybe it’s because of the De Anza is more densely populated than San Jose State, or maybe it’s because the side of campus that I live on is completely blocked by construction I observe little to no foot traffic.. but I feel more excited to be at De Anza! Ultimately, I think it’s just because De Anza is still fresh. Another thing to note is the shear amount of Asians. Everywhere I looked were Asians! And not the American kind too! They were all well dressed and pretty fashionable. Kinda made me a little self conscious about the crap that I was wearing. No one was wearing slippers and sweat pants. Seems like people have a little more class here. Everyone is so friendly and open. I think people in class were genuinely enjoying the first half hour of class. Maybe I feel this way because I was happy to be in class so I thought everyone else must have been feeling the same way too… I was so excited that my heart felt like it was trying to leap out at some moments.

A thing about community colleges… All sorts of people go to community college so nothing is surprising.. at least that’s what I learned today. There’s a handful of others that actually graduated from college like myself and wished to pursue other interests. This surprised me and made me feel bad about myself for hiding my hard earned bachelor’s degree.

My thoughts are kind of disconnected right now but I just wanted to jot down everything before I forget.

There were some points in class where I couldn’t help but laugh at how incredibly ridiculous the situation was.

1. I couldn’t believe that it was actually happening. I need to buy art supplies… I can’t wrap my head around it! I HAVE TO BUY ART SUPPLIES BECAUSE I AM AN ART MAJOR! WHAT!? Shit’s getting serious. I couldn’t believe it.

2. I was amazed by how anal the professor was about our sketch books, about the little details, and how annoyed she was by them, in my head, I thought it was stupid and a waste of money. I laughed because it was ridiculous!

3. Homework shocked me. I don’t know why it shocked me. This is class! OF COURSE THERE’S GOING TO BE HOMEWORK! People are serious about this! A thought that crossed my mind. “They’re serious! They’re seriously going to make me do this!”

Bullshit. All talk and no action. I’m glad I didn’t end up with you.

Quick Update: More life changes are coming!

Changes are in full motion! Starting the year off with big changes once again. Let’s see.. let’s do a recap shall we? What? You already know what happened in the past 3 months cause you’ve been reading older posts? Well, it doesn’t matter cause I need to do a recap for myself! LOL.

So what’s happened? I got a monthly pass for Caltrain and started biking to work. I made a subscription to Bally fitness club and started attending Body Pump classes. I worked my tail off the week before Ariba Live. It was a success! Went on soon to be three snow trips this season. (Third one’s coming up this Friday). Found out that my ex will be starting work at Tesla.. oh did I mention she also got a new girlfriend? Went through a boring roller coaster of emotions. Looks like things are looking bright for her. Such stability. I want that. Yep… that sounds about right. So where are we right now?

Joanne is graduating soon and we are in the process of looking for a new place. It’s going to be major different without Joanne in the picture. Somehow it feels lonelier without her. I don’t know what to expect out of my living situation but I hope things goes smoothly. So far the forecast looks like a lot of researching, emailing, calling, moving, packing, unpacking, cleaning, and more cleaning. Whew… not looking forward to this.

I applied to De Anza College and decided to attempt to take up an A.A. degree in Interactive Design. It’ll be fun being a part of the Graphic Design department! Honestly, I think it might have been one of the possible majors that I would’ve picked if mom hadn’t shun me away from Art. Anyways, class starts in April and I’m pretty psyched! (: I can’t wait to be in school again! Gosh I miss it! I can’t wait to be sitting in class… around PEOPLE! STUDENTS! That are around my age! DOING ART! Maybe I might even meet someone. Art majors are fascinating people. They see the world from a completely different lens. I am excited to meet and befriend them! But them again… usually when I get psyched over social interactions, things hardly ever turn out as expected. What might really happen is that the professor will drone on, lecturing the entire class period and there will be little to no interactions allowed among us students. OR the other scenario is that everyone already have their own groups and clicks and I’ll be the loner outcast that doesn’t belong anywhere… which is a feeling I am familiar with. I hope it’s neither.

I am telling myself to join the LGBT community at De Anza and to just put myself out there. I won’t know anyone there and no one will know who I am. What do I have to lose? Easier said than done… Whether or not I’ll actually let myself go to these events when the time comes is the better question. I might need some mental preparation. I think what’s even harder is going to these events alone. It’s almost equivalent to being put under a microscope and having someone examine every inch of my body. Exposed. Vulnerable.

Society has taught me to judge people who are like me. It taught me that being gay is not okay so I’ve concealed any traits that might possibly give me away for many years. The idea of letting it go is so frightening because this is a secret I’ve held on to so tightly my whole life. The unknown scares me. What will happen? Surely good things and bad things. Which will out weigh the other? I don’t know. But this is a step that I have to take. I think it’s wiser to do it sooner than later.

On a side note, I think I really enjoy working under my boss. Random right? I never really understood what it was like to have a good boss but I understand now. He’s authoritative, yet flexible and understanding. He does a good job distributing tasks to us as a team. He knows our strength and weakness and assigns work accordingly. Usually I get really flustered when Clayton gives me tasks because usually, they’re more complex for me to grasp quickly and I get stressed out because I’ve spent the whole day trying to understand but I don’t so I feel confused and useless. My boss exudes intelligence, authoritative power, and control, definitely not someone you want your bad side which I prefer. I like knowing that I can’t get away with things, that way I don’t slack off. Besides the authoritative figure, he has a very personable side. He understands that we have personal needs and allows us to tend to them. It’s nice (: 

I also enjoy the events that Ariba coordinates. It really makes work less dull! Or maybe right now is just a high season for events.. what ever it is.. it’s working! So far we’ve had a D-code convention, Ariba-Live (which I didn’t attend but it was exciting just the same hearing the news from our boss), Company Ski-Trip, UI5 training sessions in Palo Alto for two days to learn about javascript (I’m actually really looking forward to this), etc. So far I’m pretty content! I hope life at Ariba remains eventful!

I want to lose myself.

What’s it like to able to walk down the street and know that the majority of the people you see are like you? What’s it like to have so many options to choose from? To actually be able to be picky? 

How do I find someone that’s like me? Not overly dramatic, not overly involved with the community, just… normal.. someone like me?

gutsanduppercuts:

Shaolin babies? Yep, Shaolin babies.

(via okng)

Tags: shaolin babies