What’s it like to able to walk down the street and know that the majority of the people you see are like you? What’s it like to have so many options to choose from? To actually be able to be picky?
How do I find someone that’s like me? Not overly dramatic, not overly involved with the community, just… normal.. someone like me?
I am perfectly okay with not having a Valentine this year. I’m quite content with what I have right now. I might want a Valentine later down the road, but not this year. This year is MY year! (:
Today I walked through campus with a cup of coffee in hand. It was a beautiful day so I thought I’d take a stroll around, maybe even check out the progress of the new SU. I sipped on my favorite coffee and continued towards the dormitories where I used to live. As I passed the familiar buildings where students loitering just outside of it, I can’t help but remember how carefree freshman year was. I remember walking down the same path 5 years ago feeling excited and nervous to be living away from home for the first time. I remember feeling uncertain but unafraid of the new experience that awaited me. I remember that I was full of curiosity and wonder as I rode up the elevator to the 7th floor where I will finally meet my new roommates in person. And when I had finished unpacking, I remember walking my parents back to their car. On the out I remember turning from side to side looking at everything, trying to taking everything in, scanning the buildings, watching the students. “This is the place where I’ll be spending the next 4 years” I thought. I remember observing my fellow colleagues and thinking how mature they all seem. I felt so… inexperienced compared to them. I remember thinking.. “How will I appear to freshmans a couple years from now? Will I give off a sense of maturity as well? Will college really change me that much?” A chuckle escapes my mouth. “How HASN’T it changed me?”. As I watch the students laugh and chatter away I remember how leisurely it felt, still unaware of what true responsibility really meant. I watch now, 5 years later, as a fully independent, working adult, thinking “Ignorance truly is bliss.” Bright eyed, young, and full of energy, they can take on the world!.. at least, that’s how I felt when I was in their shoes.
We used to walk and talk aloud without so much as a care. We engaged in reckless activities without ever considering the consequences. We traveled in packs, and caused mischief. “Invincible”. Nothing else mattered, we were the center of the universe. It’s selfish but it’s what happens when you experience freedom for the first time. Eventually though, the lights will dim, brightness will fade from their eyes, and they will see the world for what it truly is. Wow I sound so bitter! LOL.
So much has happened, so much has changed. I’ve learned so much during my time here. It’s hard to grasp that this was 5 years ago… I can’t believe that I’ve reached an end to this chapter of my life.
Looking back now, I’ve really grown and matured.
Once again, I’ve found life, happiness, and purpose by means of exercise. This is the second time that it’s gotten me out of a rut and I’m really grateful for what it’s done for me in my past and present. Honestly I think this is a sign.
I’m really glad I started taking the train to work this year. I really enjoy the commute. Although it adds about 10 more minutes to my daily commute one-way, it’s been making me feel overall happier. I enjoy the fresh air in the morning, I enjoy being outdoors, and I enjoy the little exercise I get in between. I really like being able to exert my own energy to get to where I need to be, but most of all, I love shredding down the empty streets trying to get to my destination as fast as I can. It’s like a race.. against myself! It’s exhilarating!
With my daily 9 - 7 job, I hardly get any fresh air any more, let alone exercise. My shift consists of me sitting in my cubicle in front of a computer 10 hours a day with a bunch of geezers that don’t talk about much outside of work. I felt alone in my struggles and frustrations because I am the least experienced in the team.. Sometimes, I think my coworkers forget that.. Sometimes when they explain things to me, they end up going on this tangent with big words that I don’t understand, making me feel more lost and confused. Then once this happens there’s even more pressure because I begin to think that I’m really behind and that maybe I should already know this stuff.. It really pecks away at whatever confidence I have left. By the end of the day, I feel utterly defeated. Sometimes I’m so bottled up with frustration and stress that I end up taking it home with me. I remember feeling depressed, doubtful, unmotivated, and tired of life. On some days, I’d feel so down that when I got back, I’d find it hard to open myself up to my roommates. I’d shut myself down. Isn’t it ironic? I shut people out when I need it most. I’m so starved for proper conversation that I don’t remember how to hold one. I guess the main problem was that when I got back, I wouldn’t feel like talking… it becomes more of something I want to forget then to talk about. When I do manage to have conversations, they feel somewhat forced. Ultimately, I felt like my life was completely thrown off balance which made me deeply unhappy.
Taking the train to work has been wonderful! It’s has a trickle-down effect! It forces me to exercise everyday and I allows me to ride my bike which I love! It takes the edge off my work day and gives me some time to unwind before I get home (being outdoors is a great help). The hustle and bustle of sitting in traffic with ass hole drivers just seems to add to the pile of frustrations that I’ve accumulated. On the contrary, the train has a very slow-pace carefree kind of environment. No one ever seems to be in a hurry. Just fellow commuters trying to get home before dinner. The environment and the steady rhythmic chugging of the train really helps ease me into a better mood for the night. It also makes it feel more like an adventure. Not only does it help me de-stress, it saves me about $45 a month on gas which I used to buy club membership at a near by fitness center. They provide group fitness courses that fit my work schedule! It’s pretty much the only thing that I care about. By taking the classes, I come out feeling better about myself and it keeps me from staying at work too late. I figured that the main cause of my doubtfulness and lack of motivation probably stemmed from lack of self-confidence. Once I got that out of the way everything else just seemed to fall into place.
Sometimes more self confidence is all you need and exercising is a great way to obtain it!
Tonight on my ride back home, I thought about how bad I am at playing the pity card. I thought about the things that people can get away with by playing defenseless and weak. I thought about the aid that they are offered and how nice it is to be on the receiving end sometimes. Some might not actually be pretending and may have genuine fears and have doubts about certain things but usually, people are very willing to offer help to these types of people. I thought about the perception of someone that is uncertain and timid and how maybe I would have been offered a ride home of I were perceived this way. Then I asked myself whether or not I wanted to be perceived this way. Absolutely not.
People generally perceive me as someone that is strong and independent. Sometimes I might come off as ditsy and forgetful but that’s the best I can do in terms of getting sympathy from people. I am not usually offered help even when I’d really appreciate it at times (I don’t like to ask for it either).
I thought about my ex who unlike me, is very good at playing the pity card. I thought about how she’s able to get away many things and get free stuff. I thought about all the help she’s received. I also thought about how little faith her friends have in her. I guess people offer to help if they think you can’t handle it yourself. And sometimes when you want people to trust and believe in your abilities, they end up doubting you because coming off as timid gave them the impression that you didn’t know what you were doing in the first place. I guess that’s the main downfall of this. She was always complaining about how she lacks a voice of authority and how no one listens to her. When she asked me why, I remember struggling to find an answer because I was in one of those situations where if I didn’t answer, we’d get into another argument. I ended up giving the wrong answer because I was put on the spotlight and all I knew was that it was something about her personality. After realizing this and comparing and contrasting the pros and cons, I thought about how there’s a sense of control in being perceived as independent. There won’t be someone breathing down my neck making sure I’m doing the right thing. There is a level of trust.. and where there is trust, there is freedom! Just and interesting thought on perception and self-image.
Life’s been really lonely these days. I find myself alone very often. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay. I enjoying all the little things in life, even the little perks of having a daily routine despite of what I say but I just wish that there was someone I could share it with.. someone that I can share my excitement and frustrations with, someone that is in a similar situation as me, but ultimately, someone that understands me. This person doesn’t have to be my significant other. I guess I just want a small group of closely knit friends to share these things with (just like on TV!) I’m feeling really distant from everyone both literally and figuratively. Everyone’s graduated, everyone’s busy with their own lives. I feel like I don’t have anyone that I can confide in. Becoming an adult by myself is kind of lonely. There’s no sense of community in my life. I want to be part of something again. I want to laugh, I want to hang out. I want to be able smile leisurely, let loose, and stop watching the clock. I want close friends that are both mature and fun. Where can I find people like that? Where do I belong? Where can I fit in? I think.. I need to get out of here.
Today I bought my monthly Caltrain pass on my Clipper card and got hustled into buying a monthly gym membership at Bally Fitness.