Sometimes… when you laugh, all I can see is the hint of crazy in your eyes and all I can think about is how uncertain I am about you.
I didn’t like that having me as a girlfriend was the only thing that had enough value in your life in order for you be happy.
I didn’t like how sensitive you were with my criticisms and how you always scolded me for being too honest.
I hated like that I started to mute any opinions that might hurt your feelings.
Sometimes… I feel absolutely mortified when I think about the many times that I had to suppress my feelings of discomfort because I knew that if I acted any different, you’d go into a cycle of self loathing, self doubt, and self hate.
It was a horrible feeling…
I hated that I couldn’t be completely honest with you which ultimately, made me unhappy.
As I gaze upon your photograph, I can’t help but realize how obvious that the end of our relationship was inevitable. It also reminded me of the thoughts I had of you when we were first going out and how surprisingly unchanged they’ve remained. One of which is how your photos made me furrow my eye brows and even sometimes… ever so slightly.. cringe. Simply by judging the person in the photos, I knew right away that you were someone that just wanted to fit in, to belong. You always smiled in your pictures but you did not look happy. I can see you make an effort to meet with your friends but at the same time, it doesn’t look you’re enjoying their company. It doesn’t look like you’re being yourself. And It’s that lack of genuineness that makes shake my head as I look through your photos because when I look at you I don’t see you, I see a stranger.
There was a power outage today. I was typing away on my laptop, y’know, doin’ my little research on html/css when all of a sudden the lights and everything else around me power down. For a split second, there was nothing but silence… quickly followed by the sound of employee’s exclaims ripple across the floor. Everyone’s chattering about what’s happening, what might’ve happened, playfully blaming others for the outage. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen Ariba so lively, so… playful. People were out and about chatting away, joking, and laughing. It was nice, not quite as serious and dead compared to most days. People were lounging around on the couches, standing around the break rooms / coffee stations. The atmosphere felt very… carefree. During this outage, I was almost tempted to take off for lunch early. As I was riffling through my old tissues about to blow my nose, Jim catches me and suggest that we have our little 1 on 1 since he can’t have meetings when there’s no power.
I followed him into his office anticipating what we were about to discuss. LORD AN BEHOLD! He tells me that they are interested in hiring me full time! Not just me, but Peter as well! I was a little confused because I thought Peter had school but I guess they needed workers. I’ll skip the details but boy was I was ecstatic! It’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest! I was so giddy after hearing the news! The search is over! I’m finally moving forward! Oh my god! You have no idea how much I wanted to scream because I couldn’t contain my excitement. I found myself smiling to myself as I walked back to my desk after our conversation.
Michael was right, I shouldn’t have worried so much. It’s pretty normal for companies to extend full time offers to their graduated interns but I just hate not knowing for sure. (Freaken Michael… got into LinkedIn with a enormous salary.)
For the past month and a half I’ve been beating myself up for not being competent enough, for not being smart enough and that no ones going to hire me. For a while, I really did believe that, but whenever that happens I always had to remind myself that I have options and that everything will be okay. “If people without degrees can get jobs in the tech industry, so can you!” With that in mind, I was desperately spreading my resume around like wild fire, getting depressed when I didn’t hear anything back or when I got rejected, and then pick myself up again restarting the whole process. It was agonizing, but I couldn’t stand just sitting around passing my days doing nothing knowing that there might be a chance of me becoming unemployed! (There’s a post about it actually.) I am so glad everything turned out okay. Although my blood, tears, and sweat were not completely necessary, I’m glad I tried to do something about it. I learned quite a bit from it and got some valuable experiences. Applying, interviewing, studying, learning, it’s all good character building. It also really opened my eyes on how the tech industry works in picking their candidates. I think I got in some good practice from all this. In addition to that, I got to speak with some really big companies like HP, Google, Dell, Avanade (partner of Microsoft), etc. Bravo Rosemary! I’m proud of you! With that said, never stop trying! Effort and hardship will only make you stronger! Congratulations! Adult life begins from here on out! Remember to take it slow.
(All I can think about right now is how I’m going to spend my money LOL.)
What is your motivation?
I get strokes of depression and I don’t know why. I just feel like isolating myself. What does it mean..?